Hello, my fellow bloggers and loyal readers! Sorry I haven’t posted one of these things in a while–been pretty busy. Anyway, I will try my best to catch you all up on what I’ve been up to.
First things first, I recently had my very last choir tour, April 16th – April 19th, with a homecoming concert that Sunday at 3 pm. I will admit, a part of me is going to miss it because I liked seeing the faces of young musicians light up, hearing us sing extremely complex and rhythmic songs. I also liked how being on choir tour showed the future of Lakeland College that you DO NOT have to be a Music Major to sing in choir. I, myself, was a Music Major for most of my Freshman year. However when I found out I had to do recitals…I couldn’t handle the pressure. In the end, I was happy with my decision to switch from a Music Major to a Spanish Major, with a Music Minor. The ONLY negative about choir tour–The excessive concerts. Yes, they are cool, but when you do 10 concerts in FOUR days…that’s where I draw the line.
But I digress, this isn’t a blog to complain. This blog is about reflection, time and accomplishments. In exactly 12 days, I will be graduating Lakeland College with a Spanish degree, and a Music Minor. I can honestly say, I never thought I would make it because of the stupid, complicated changes happening here, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I did it, I actually did it. And to think, my Freshman Year, I wanted to drop out because I thought I couldn’t handle it. Turns out I needed time to settle down, and get a handling on things. I did have my trials and tribulations, but they all lead me to where I am now.
Another thing I’ve come to realize about myself over these four years–I’ve been straying from my Faith and God. I never used to do that in the past, I have no clue what changed. I guess it all happened when I found out I had Anxiety and Depression. I got so angry with God, because I blamed him for making me this way. I thought it was His fault because I felt like a screw up with my mental illness. Now I realize, He made me this way because He knew I could fight through the battles I was faced with, and come out on top. Granted, I’m still having some issues, like low confidence and low self-esteem but I just need to rebuild them–one moment and prayer at a time. God has always been there for me, and He always WILL be. I just have to trust my faith in Him, and His plan.
Realizing those all of those times I wanted to give up, I see that I was being pretty foolish. Even now, I still have moments where I want to give up because I am so tired of being let down, and getting my hopes up. Yet, there is this strange, powerful force within me that–keeps pushing me. It’s strange. Ever time I’m tired, and I don’t want to throw in the towel, some mysterious energy makes me get off my ass, and makes me try harder. I now see that this power, whatever it may be, has helped me in more was than one. If it weren’t for this “force of nature”, I may not even be here…This outside determination that saved me. This determination, along with the voices of my friends in my head and heart…made me the person I am today.
As end of one chapter comes to a close, I’ve started to realize how important the little things in my life are. I’ve kind of just written them off before, thinking they were nothing. Now that I’ve grown up in a surprising amount of time, I’m starting to see the true value of things. Like the advice I’m given by friends. I know have a problem accepting it, and shrugging it off like it trash it a habit I’m DESPERATELY trying to break. I’m breaking it one day at a time. The advice I treasure the most: The spiritual advice from my little Sister in Christ, Lily Nelsen. She has given me some of the BEST advice. And I treasure it more than anything because she ALWAYS makes me smile when I feel down. If my path didn’t cross with hers, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be on the road I am right now, if it weren’t for her guidance. I’m SO BEYOND blessed I can call her one of my best friends, and a Sister in Christ. I truly believe our paths were meant to cross; God saw I need an angel in my life, and He sent me Lily.
I think that once I graduate college, and I get settled back home…That’s when I will start living my life. For the past year and a half, nothing really life changing or exciting has happened. But, I do have hope that once I get that diploma, things will start falling into place. They just have to. Once I start taking care of myself, and I start doing things that make me happy…I’ll finally start feeling like myself again. Not that I don’t feel like myself right now–I’m taking baby steps to make sure I get right back on track.
As much as I hate to admit it, I have lost touch with myself. I became a different person for a while. But I had to fall flat on my ass to see that the person I had become–was not me. The beginning of this year was a bit rough, but now things are looking brighter, and better! I still have a long way to go before I am “fully recovered”, however some progress is better than no progress at all. I accredit that to my stubborn determination and resilience against the outside forces. I am no longer going to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I am going to keep my head held high, and smile as much as I can (Apparently if I do it a lot, I’ll live longer? What the heck, I’ll give it a try). As Cinderella’s mother said, “Have courage, and be kind.” So, that’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to be courageous, and be kind to others, as well as myself. It’s the perfect recipe for a better life.
Time sure has gone by fast. I wish I has Hermione’s Time Turner from the Harry Potter series, or a spell to freeze time, because now I just want to savor as much as I can. I’m afraid if I blink, I may miss something important. I shouldn’t worry about it too much; whatever I do miss…I’ll make more memories and important moments. A part of me is scared to graduate because it means that the real world is closer than expected. Then again, a part of me is excited because in twelve days, I can finally say this: “I AM AN ALUMNI OF LAKELAND COLLEGE!” And that’s pretty darn cool, the way I see it.
So, my awesome readers…As I’ve said this before, I want to remind you of some of my favorite advice:
“You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.” — Sierra Boggess.
I’ll remember to tell myself this every single day, if you guys do. Do we have a deal? I can guarantee, you will convince yourself, you ARE enough…and it will become your go to mantra.