Well, I can honestly say that tonight was definitely not a good not. Never in my life have I wanted to cry so much, but couldn’t. Having Generalized Anxiety Disorder makes everything that pops into my head 100 times worse.
The first thing that got under my skin today was ANOTHER person from my graduating class in high school…IS GETTING ENGAGED! Seriously?! What the Hell happened to waiting till you were a bit older?! I just don’t get it. Almost every other freaking day I get one of the following notifications on Facebook: So and so is engaged to so and so, So and so is in a relationship with so and so, so and so had a baby. I DO NOT CARE! STOP SENDING ME THESE NOTIFICATIONS!
Seeing all of these people in happy relationships, seeing all of these pictures of couples happy and in love, just reminded me of one thing: I was a single, nerdy, ugly wallflower in high school, and I still am one today. I’ve always been told that if you don’t look for love, love will find you. Well, I’ll be the first to say that…that statement is an absolute piece of CRAP! I’ve forgotten EVERYTHING about love, and I still don’t see any suitors asking me out. It’s pointless! I’m going to be alone, and single for the rest of my life. I don’t have any hope for me.
As if my anxiety couldn’t make tonight any worse. I have an amazing guy friend back home I’m just reconnecting with at home, and he tells me that he has feelings for me; he told me he loves me. I do not know what to do. I don’t feel the same way about him, and yet he says all of these sweet, caring things to make me feel better, and now I’m starting to rethink my decision. My emotions are so screwed up, I have no idea what I want! Sometimes I wish I didn’t have feelings at all, especially when it comes to love. I think I’d be better off as a robot, but knowing the loyal, shy, introverted, pushover that I am…my feelings would probably override my system. Feelings suck.
And to put the cherry on top of the sundae, seeing pictures of how pretty some of my friends are…and then looking at me, oh my goodness. I’m surprised I have cracked, or broken an mirrors lately. The reason why I don’t smile in pictures, or I don’t smiles when people tell me to smile: My teeth are hideous! My teeth are so jacked up, I look like a monster. Another thing why I don’t like how I look: I wear baggy sweaters when they don’t need to be worn. I am so self conscious about my weight, I hardly ever want to go out with friends. My face full of acne scars doesn’t help either. Just throw a hump on me and call me Quasimodo because that’s how I feel most days.
All of these things in variations, are constantly going through my head on a daily basis. I’m surprised I haven’t had a bad meltdown to the point where I’m so upset and sad, that I don’t leave my room. The only REAL thing I have going for me are: my heart, my personality, my maternal nature, and my creativity. Other than those…I really don’t see much else going, or happening for me.