I bet you are wondering what’s with the dramatic, foreshadowing title? Well, I’ve been going back and for on how I should tell my story. As well as if I should tell it regardless. The main thing that has been keeping me from sharing: Fear. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear of people leaving. Fear of people looking at me different; thinking I’m some foreign entity. Well, no more. No more time for letting fear control my life. No more giving a damn of what people think of me. No more lying to myself. Yes, I am scared shitless about what I’m about to share, but like the title says I need to be my authentic self and tell my story.
And who knows, maybe there will be someone reading this who’s had the same experience I had, and reading what I’ve had to say will help them feel less alone in this world.
Okay, here it is. No time for beating around the bush. My secret that I’ve kept to myself for almost two years now is: I’m Bisexual.
And to those people are wondering: No, I’m not actually secretly gay. No, I am most certainly NOT down for a threesome. No, I am NOT doing this for attention. No, I am not more likely to cheat. No, I am not confused. No, it is NOT a phase. And no, I’m NOT greedy.
I am me. I am here. I am VALID and I EXIST. To quote Waverly Earp, “I’m here and I stay and I never give up.” The reason why I have only told a select few of people is because there is so much Bi-erasure happening in media, as well as the LGBTQ+ community. People like to deny it, but it’s there.
The reason why I am now deciding to share my story is all because of a Podcast I listened to a few days ago. “Tales of the Black Badge” is a Podcast dedicated to Wynonna Earp, one of my favorite shows of all time. And their most recent one, they had one of my favorite actresses and human beings of all time as their guest, Dominique Provost-Chalkley who plays Waverly Earp on the show.
Listening to her talk made my heart figuratively grow three sizes because she’s so inspiring and so positive. Her character may be an Angel on the show, but she is an Angel in real life.
Like Waverly in S1, I didn’t know who I really was. I was trying to figure out where I fit in, what I liked and more importantly, WHO I liked. It wasn’t until I saw Waverly and Nicole; I started to think, “Aw that looks nice.” At first, that immediately scared me. I had never thought about a girl like that before. Being 23 years old and suddenly seeing a person in a different light like that, I was terrified. After that moment, I pushed those feelings down because I didn’t know what to do.
For those two years, I was miserable because I didn’t know how to address these feelings or act on them. As time went on, I started noticing things more. I started to look at men and women in the same way; thinking, “Wow, he’s just as attractive as she is.”, and vice versa. As time went on, these thoughts began to scare me less and less.
Now, I’m nowhere near the stage Waverly is in S3, where she is completely comfortable with herself and who she loves, but I’ve come to accept myself for who I am and that I am perfect the way I am.
Like Wynonna has had Waverly’s back from day one, after I had come out to my best friend, I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was most nervous to tell her because she’s My Ride or Die, My Person, and if I lost her my world would have crumbled. But hearing her say, “I’m always going to be in your corner, no matter what. You have my support, always.” I burst into tears.
Having the kind of support meant the world, and it even boosted my confidence because since telling her, I have felt myself becoming happier. I do have the occasional hiccups every now and again, but the good outweighs the bad.
Dominique said in the Podcast, “Have faith that you are good enough. That everything will work out the way it’s supposed to work out, and continue being brave because one day it will pay off.”
Well, that day is today. This is me. This is my authentic self. I’m 25 years old, a huge nerd, and a bookworm who likes writing. And I just happen to be Bisexual. The people I have told have given the best reactions I could have asked for and I love them all.
The people I haven’t told, including my family and other friends, I’m terrified. Especially my mom because, I know she’s told me she had friends who were apart of the LGBTQ+ community, but there have been a few instances where her reaction to things were kind of in a “grey area”. The main reason I haven’t told her, in particular, is because I still live in the same house as her. Being myself in a house where I’m constantly surrounded by dysfunction makes me anxious to be true to who I am. Even when I bring up topics, things in media, or people related to the LGBTQ+ community, the answers I will get are: “Oh.”, “Huh.”, or “Okay.” Not even a full sentence.
The one thing about that horrible situation that has kept my Anxiety at bay, is knowing I have plenty of friends I can talk to on social media who like the same things I do.
“You don’t have to fit in. You don’t have to try and fit in to fit in. By being yourself, you attract people that are like you. This is the thing, if you are fully present with who you are at your core, the people, the energy that you give off, in turn, attracts people that are like you.
Dominique is right once again. Since I’ve found Wynonna Earp, I’ve been able to be true to who I am as a person, and love the things about myself I never would have in the past. And meeting other fans of the show, I have been able to relax and not have to worry about being judged. I mean, I know in the real world, there will always be people who will say Biphobic things, and make me feel lower than dirt. But, I just have to remember: their opinion of me doesn’t matter. Only mine does. To quote another badass heroine, Agent Peggy Carter, “I know my value. Anyone else’s opinion doesn’t really matter.”
Now, it’s time for the sappy stuff.
When I listened to the Podcast, there was a part where Dominique mentioned that all of the people, who have watched the show, had gotten their confidence and courage from Waverly, having gone on the same journey she had. She then goes on to say that because of that, they are the REAL LIFE VERSIONS of Waverly.
I couldn’t help but burst into tears. I know I’m not as lucky as some of the fans how have gotten the chance to meet her at cons, but hearing her say that made me so happy. Like my favorite character on TV, I have overcome the most difficult obstacles that could have made me bitter, but I beat them and I still managed to keep a kind and loving heart.
Dominique, to me, is one of those people I aspire to be like one day: A positive ray of sunshine that uses her voice for good, and defends the ones whose voices are silent because they feel like what they have to say/who they are doesn’t matter. And if it weren’t for her and that Podcast, I wouldn’t be writing this; telling the deepest secret of my life to tons of people on the internet.
So, if she does happen to read this, Thank you Dom. Thank you for giving me the courage I needed to finally tell my story. Thank you for playing a character I could see myself in; that taught me to love myself despite the challenges that surround me. But most importantly, thank you for being that bright light that has always inspired me to fight through my Anxiety and spells of Self-Doubt. I’m forever grateful for your positivity.
And to anyone who feels like they are alone this world because you were in my shoes at one point: You are not alone. You are not worthless. You are not invisible. I see you. “You are enough. You are so enough, it’s unbelievable how enough you are.” to quote Sierra Boggess. Know that what you are feeling is valid. It is not a phase. And if you are feeling like you don’t see yourself in media, I’m here to tell you there are LOADS of characters on TV and books that are Bisexual. You may have to dig a bit because they aren’t given as much recognition, but they are there trust me.
I also want to tell you that if you feel like you have to tell someone because keeping it bottled up is making you unwell and anxious, make sure your living situation is safe. And if that doesn’t work out, make sure you have a solid support system of friends that will support you. And when you do have that support system, with time, you will come into your own, experience things you never would have imagined, and you will finally feel free. Free and happy to be yourself.
The only reason why I’m putting this down in a blog is because I know that eventually I will tell my mom, just being able to put it to words in this way makes me feel like I’m “coming out”, even though I know in reality I will actually have to tell the rest of the people when the time comes.
So that’s it. That’s me. My Authentic Self. I am Bisexual and I am still me. Nothing about me has changed.
I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t scared to write this. I had to jump in place to get rid of all the nerves before I even wrote this. But I know this was the right decision. I know that by sharing my experience, it may help others. Who those others will be, I don’t know. But, knowing I potentially made a difference that was worth it.
To quote Dominique one last time, “I just hope I have the courage to take that left turn.” I may not have physically turned while writing this, but in a metaphorical sense I have. This blog post took every fiber of my being to make happen. Now that I’ve finally done it, I can finally breathe and think clearly for the first time in a very long time. I can finally live in the moment; cherishing the things that are happening in my present.
“I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be this is me. I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me.” – Keala Settle as Lettie Lutz in The Greatest Showman